11:48AM
So I'm sort of embarrassed to see what I've written on here. It's so sad. I feel so unaccomplished. I know I didn't set my sights too high here. I've just lost all the rhythm and inspiration. All the best vibes I had for this band seem "cancelled". Right around the time the actual show was cancelled. I feel beaten and alone, and I must say I don't have any inspiration or want of losing weight right now. It's a new low for me. I'm not depressed - at least not on the outside - but today I'm realizing just how much time I've wasted; all these false hopes. I'm feeling dejected right now.
I've been spending nearly all of my time reading. And that's fine, but when you combine it with NO exercise and no food restricition, it's not all that great. I feel smarter, sure. (<<< And that's great.) But I don't feel lighter. In fact, I weigh 10lbs less than where I first started! :( Damn! That. Just. Sucks.
I know. I should be saying stuff like, "get back on the horse, or try, try, again" but I'm being realistic here. I first started gaining on Halloween. Haven't lost a pound since. I ended the year off with a total of 7,355 minutes of exercise and that's great! I'm proud of that! But all my energy that I once had, all that resisting I've done seems like a waste and an embarassment. I could do it before, but I can't do it now? What's up with that?! Well, no seems to get this, but I did it all for the band I love! Now that I don't "love" them like I used to . . . . UGH! It's . . . embarassing that all my energy and all that "wanting to lose weight" came from a love for a band. It's only embarassing because I can't find any inspiration elsewhere. I'm totally bummed out about that. All this has been one depressing blog post, but I've nothing else to say. I know we're supposed to revolve around the positive of every situation but right now . . . I don't know. I'm not going to give up. But I'm about a thread away from saying "to hell with it".
I don't want to let my MFP buddies down. I really don't. I just need them to know this is a hard time. I really don't want them to give up on me. I appreciate their support more than they'll ever know. And it hurts when someone deletes you because "you don't seem to be making an effort". If you think about it, that logic is completely backwards! We're supposed to be supporting our friends when they're at their worst, help them when they fall! Don't delete them and kick 'em while they're down! I didn't appreciate being deleted and I'm VERY raw about it.
Anyway... I'm going to try. I WILL.
Don't give up on me just yet.
12:08PM
